CARLITASCAMP.COM

The Silence of the Carlita or The Maybe the Not So Much Like Chelsea Handler Blog

2012-02-20T04:21:30Z

Hola Campers,

So I've figured out why I have writers block. I'm working this "job" and it's local, so I can't talk. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I'm recognized daily, therefore making me hold my tongue on any of the activities, observations, and interactions I have. Because - WHEW as you've read in many of my past blogs, I make it my business to recount most of my daily life. Just like now, but sadly I cannot discuss anything because I don't know whose who, nor do I want people at the "job" reading my blog. Because - well --- I just don't want coworkers or guests reading my blog because it has nothing to do with them. However, because this town is pint sized and I'm discovered daily I must not say a thing because trust me Campers I've already been called names by some HILLBILLY ASS %$#&*. Therefore gimme a minute, maybe I can even write some fiction, but to tell about MY life, right NOW? In the words of the greatest Vocal Diva in MY generation Whitney Houston (RIP), "Hell to the Naw. I will not be writing about this little town and some of it's little inhabitants any time soon." I value my life because one thing I've learned is, many times honesty hurts both ways. The informed gets hurt and many times harms the informer - especially if violence is in their fiber/ make up. So anyhoo, writers block because this place here *I'm pointing my index fingers to the ground*, I said this place here *now I'm pointing my index fingers to the sky*, is MAD dangerous *now I'm rolling my eyes around my head* to a truth spiller such as myself. So until our next camp out enjoy the wine and trees and camp will resume SOOOOOOON! I have SO got to get out of this absolute HELL I wanna spit!

But on a brighter note Mommie Dearest and I are really making inroads... Bye!

This Blog: Where Then, Now, & Next Steps Meet

2012-01-07T02:46:59Z

Hola Campers Happy New Year!! I know I'm late on the year end wrap up but if you had as many issues as I do you might be a tad bit slow on the draw as well. So here it goes...

We started 2011 with a bang - literally, with fireworks in Sweden! But then we were forced to leave our fair Europe because I got so sick because I was being victimized by killer mold. So we relocated to Mexico but not without 1st getting robbed by a Spanish airline. However because of your help and my persistence we got our money back!!! And all along the way we saw plenty of sites that year as we had the years prior. We even had time to slip over to Belize for a long weekend. Although I gotta admit once you've seen 1 ancient Mayan ruin you've pretty much seen them all, I honestly could barely tell them apart - I had to look at the dates of the pictures. But they are amazing as are the beaches in both Cancun and Belize.

And as you know because I'm one of these chicks who has mad opinions and I love to give them, I had an astronomical amount of run-ins with Fakebook STRANGers who chose to attempt to belittle or attack me over the most asinine things ranging from: politics to how I celebrate my life or attempt to cyber-fuck me or just because they're bitter people who read my comments or the tag lines for my one of my blogs and got offended.

The Asshole Wall of Fuck Them

I also learned how to deal with a bunch of different kinds of varmints and immediately I evolved from prey to predator, murderizing EVERYTHING in my Grim Reaperish wake. I put in some good work on a scorpion, a couple fugly spiders, a kajillion and one mosquitoes, mice, monsters ("wittle" lizards), geckoes, and I'm sure you remember the Mexican chicken killer i.e. the fugly (but family says tasty) Tlacuache - as well as a bunch of "things" I dare not mention for fear that you Campers might start to think I could possibly become a serial killer - although I'll give you a couple hints: There was about 30 of them that probably used to live in my house before I moved in and they were violent and quite feral. And I even learned how to slaughter my own food.

But on a brighter note I did allow an iguana to live and I caught about 10 frogs and believe you me, they all lived to see many more days!

And upon relocating to Cancun I became a naturalist/minimalist growing my own vegetables, raising chickens, and selling their eggs at the mercado.

And no good camp out would be worth a squat without me and mi Pápí favorite pastime: indulging in our love of the wonderful flavors of the native food and cocktails.

I also FINALLY completed and published my 1st novel "No Love Lost" in the forthcoming series "Bitches from the Burbs" and becoming the worst selling author of all times - regardless of the great reviews. (Yeah that's a link to buy it on Amazon for Kindle Download)

So after a great year of interesting sites, honing my survival skills, engaging in wicked treachery and fighting evil I learned this: I still adore traveling more than anything, Black mold will kill ya, Mexico could give a fuck about its workforce, some people are just vile for no reason at all, home is where your heart is, my dad is very ill and that I, your counselor needed to quit Fakebooking for fear of blowing my mind up (But please click "Like" on my Carlita's Camp page on Facebook so that you'll know when my new blogs are up, because sooner than later I'm deleting my profile).

As for my plans for the near and dear future - well Campers another relocation is afoot (I'll keep you posted - remember this is a mobile camp). So stay tuned because there's more where this came from, including new adventures, more CRA, new Chronic History Tales and YES another not so smash book or maybe even 2.

So until our next camp out buy my book "No Love Lost" enjoy the wine and trees and remember the fire's always burning here at Carlita's Camp! Happy New Year Campers and please make it your best year EVER!

Fakebook Pussy of the Week!

2011-12-07T15:14:27Z

***WARNING THIS BLOG CONTAINS AN IMAGE OF AN ASSHOLE***

Hola Campers!!! So the other day I was doin' what I do - scrollin' down my Social Network wall lookin' for fun and exciting posts to comment on - as I'm sure you all do (at least from time to time). When I came upon a post that read: In your opinion, what is the most attractive sexual organ on the opposite sex? (and before you read my answer I KNOW, I KNOW HUGE red flag - however) I answered it anyway and typed: The brain. Then I kept it moving and continued to look for fun posts to leave my *witty* mark.

Now I'm not sure about you Campers, however many times my Social Network notifications don't always alert me as to how many "Likes" I got or if someone has even commented on a post of mine (that's why sometimes I don't respond to your comments). So anyhoo, later that evening I got a message in my inbox that read: Congratulations Carlita your comment "the brain" was the winner!

And I was like, "Yeah? So send me my $25Gs Alex! Or who gives a fuck?" But being in a good mood I decided to be gracious and putting on my halo I replied, "Gee thanks. So what do I get? And please say $$$!!!"

And Campers after that note is when it all went awry. Ya see, dude then sent me a note introducing himself as guess what? Yes, a writer/blogger too! So I was like cool as bloggers we have to stick together so I responded and said, "I too have a blog, it's a bit on the racy side but certainly all in good fun - UNLESS... LOL" Then I attached the link.

So dude popped in (I was for once online) and said "Sounds great I'll check it out tonight. And by the way I have a group called The Brain-Power Group where we discuss issues and I'd love to add you."

And me being me always looking to expand my audience said "Sure, sounds great." And that was that I was in. So then the following day I was a part of that Savage Ass James Truthpaste's obtuse dialogue about "Hollywood teaching our kids morals" and it struck me, ask a question in regards to this topic on the groups that I belong too and see if the rest of the people I come in contact with are as odd, dated in their thought process, and out of touch with reality as the vast majority of the savages on Truthpaste; so I posted a question.

And wouldn't you know it about 2 hours later I got a message in my inbox from the Brain-Power Group dude saying, "Carlita I would appreciate if you did not post such controversial issues on The Brain-Power Group." And yes Campers I was like "What the fuck kinda issues are for the fucking Brain then?" So I went to the group reread the profile and said, "OK my question seems to fall within the parameters."

BUT BUT BUT Man O Man was I wrong, because after I read each question posted by the groups creator (which had ZERO responses) I noticed they were ALL about sex. Each question asked about "What size penis feels best?" "Do you prefer it wet or not so much?" "What makes you orgasm?" You know *noneofyourfuckingbusiness* shit like that. I swear Campers as I type this shit I can tell you that this lousy mutha fucka's true intention with The Brain-Power Group was to seek out a chick who had no fucking brains but who might be dumb the fuck enough to give his old ass some "Cyber-Brain."

So after I read the questions and almost peed myself from the actual gall of this joke of a perved out dickweed, I wrote him back and said, "Oh LOL OK... I like to discuss real issues and discussing my personal life and sexual preferences isn't up for discussion within a group of STRANGErs. So thanks for the invite I shall remove myself and my question!"

Then he wrote me back like, "I'm sorry that you feel that way I think you could make a real contribution to the group blah blah blah."

And I was like, "Naaahhh I couldn't, but thanks and have a good day!"

But then this perved out mutha fucka wrote me back and said, "Well I still invite you to read my blog and I must apologize because after reading your writing I got the impression that you are a free thinking, mature, highly sexual, and sensuous woman who didn't mind openly discussing her sexual desires in a group setting. But if you ever feel like sharing with me privately just inbox me."

DOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!! What the fuck did this mutha fucka just write? To me? Is this pervert on CRACK or what? Because Campers I challenge ANYONE of you to point out 1 blog where I "openly discussed" my sexual desires? I laughed my fucking ass off UNTIL I got heated. How dare that old mutha fucka try to get in my cyber panties with a pack of lies? Some BULLSHIT lies at that?

Now Campers if this was real life I'd probably have to cut him (with a knife) however this is the Internet and I am a Wordsmith so I used my fingertips and wrote: Wow, that sounds like an insult if you ask me. And I know by this asinine note that you've NEVER read any of my blogs because trust, me showing my sensuousness has never come up. So please don't try to Bullshit a bullshitter. Because YES I am a free thinking highly sophisticated woman and my thought provoking query on your groups wall proved as much. HOWEVER I don't know you, you ain no sex therapist nor are my inner desires any of your fucking business. As far as I can tell you are one of the many Fakebook Pussy's whose perved out intention is to try to engage me in cyber sex which frankly is just for old ugly washed up unhappily married losers who thinks that labeling his group Brain-Power will trick a chick into giving you what you want. Well you asshole, sorry you got the wrong one, because I do use my brain and it hardly takes any to see through your bullshit. You betta ask somebody because trying to cyber fuck me will get your ass put on blast for at the very least 500 hundred of my readers to see. And BTW I looked at your snoozfest of a blog, could it be anymore boring? If I were you instead of blogging about politics and shit that is way out of your lane I'd blog about my dick because it hardly takes any "Brain-Power" to do that and this exchange has proven you're a fucking moron.

So Campers without further ado and hardly anymore words (I know the blog's long) I present to you the dumbest, oldest, (an y'all know if he's older than me he ain't got a prayer - a hem 28 y/o Pápí) fucktard, pervert on Fakebook lately:

Perman "I'm using Fakebook groups for a free Niteflirts site" Wilson.

That's it for me Campers! Until our next camp out enjoy the wine and trees and if you get a chance buy my juicy new book "No Love Lost" the links are on the top right of this blog. And remember the fires always burning here at Carlita's Camp!

The Omen

2011-12-04T20:21:07Z

Hola Campers! And before you're immediately turned off this blog isn't some diabolical Antichrist kind of blog. This blog is actually about an Omen or a Sign if you will. Ya see, many years ago when I was a little girl, me and Mommie Dearest were sitting in the living room of our former home when a bird tried to fly into the window. Startled Mommie Dearest bleated, "Somebodies gonna die."

Not understanding what she meant I asked her, "Whatdya mean Mommie Dearest, who's gonna die?"

Mommie Dearest couldn't answer the who was gonna die, but she did offer up the explanation of why someone was gonna die. Explaining to me what a bad Omen it is when a bird tries to fly into your window. And although I was really too young to understand it at the time, Mommie Dearest wasn't wrong. Because sadly our neighbors live in grandmother passed on within that month as well as another neighbors oldest son a month or so later. So it was from then on that I always remembered that a bird trying to enter a home is a sure sign of death. And luckily for me no bird ever tried to enter my abode - until a couple of weeks ago this happened:

You see it? Yes that's the culprit of the bad Omen. And because I was sure mi Pápí had never heard of the "bird trying to enter your home Omen" I told him the same thing Mommie Dearest had told me all of those years ago that someone might die, and I only said might because this bird didn't really try to enter our home, however it did come and chill on our windowsill for about 30 minutes allowing me and mi Pápí to watch him and take a couple of pictures.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving Day. I had the chance to speak with my progeny -- admittedly after a few months. Actually until Turkey Day I hadn't spoken with anyone in my family including Mommie Dearest since earlier in the summer.

Anyhoo, while talking with the progeny she informed me that my dad (NOT that sperm donor) was quite ill. Shocked by her revelation I asked, "Why do you say that? Better yet, how do you know that? No one told me that."

And she said, "How do you pretend to not know? Because your sister said that she told you weeks ago."

Still shocked by the progeny's revelation and honestly quite skeptical, because the progeny has been known to play fast and loose with the truth I said, "What sister is that? I'd heard nothing about dad being sick because I haven't spoken with said sister in almost 2 years."

And she said, "Well it's the truth and grandma isn't taking it too well."

Now *almost* completely shocked I quickly said, "Put Leslie on the phone." (Because I was gonna need some independent corroboration)

And once my cousin Leslie got on the phone I asked her and she said, "Yes I'd heard that too."

Now really shocked because Leslie if she does have the information never lies so I said, "I'll call you back." And immediately putting my familial differences aside I contacted Mommie Dearest who sadly confirmed the progeny's statement that yes my dad Mommie Dearest's husband of 25 years is indeed quite ill battling Stage 4 Cancer. So after a while of talking with Mommie Dearest and trying to be as supportive as I could be I offered my services to my family in our time of need.

After I hung up from Mommie Dearest I immediately told mi Pápí what was going on and he reminded me of that "Omen" of that fucked up bird that sat on on our windowsill a week or so back.

Now mind you Campers, I don't know what to make of any of this Omen shit, however I do know what to make of the facts. And the fact is that me and my family need your chants, prayers, and well wishes so that my dad who is a great father, a wonderful grandfather, and just an all around stand up guy can win this battle and continue to head our family who he helped heal after years of torture and abuse.

And I know for many of you who read this you will immediately click "Like" and offer your love and prayers on my Social Network page in support of my family, however I'm gonna ask you to take it a step further and leave your support, love and well wishes for my dad, Keith Mercer here on my blog. Because my dad doesn't use any Social Networks, however he does read my blog and will see them here and I'm 100% sure he'll be more than grateful and touched by the outpour of your kind thoughts, support, and hope for good health.

Anyhoo Campers that's it's for me because to go on seems unnecessary. I thank you all ahead of time and please be blessed, I do love you all. And as always thank you for reading and remember the fire's always burning (even if a little less brightly right now) here at Carlita's Camp.

Top 20 Reasons Why I Don't Feel Like Blogging

2011-11-28T19:12:34Z

Hola Campers! Another list because frankly the title tells it all... But as usual not in any specific order...

1. I'm not in the fucking mood. I have a lot of projects going on and I want to tend to them properly.

2. My chickens are all dropping eggs like they drop shit and it's LOUD. Every time I go to formulate my words and find my funny my food starts screaming readying themselves to drop an egg.

3. Honestly I haven't been doing shit to really talk about. SURE I can get topical but really who gives a fuck what I have to say about politics, relationships, or whatever the fuck?

4. I've been concentrating on moving and finding the money is a task.

5. I'm sick, sometimes I sit at this computer and my nose bleeds for what seems like hours and the headaches and the vertigo even when seated is crazy.

6. I don't think people read my blogs.

7. It's winter and TV is good. Can you say "Revenge?"

8. I'm scouring the web trying to figure out the best way to market my book for free.

9. I obsessed with Herman Cain.

10. I really wanna write fiction right now.

11. I've been making more pictures for a better Crown Royal Avenger.

12. I've been trying to learn a bit more about subjects that interest me to help me write better blogs.

13. I'm reading a good book - in Spanish and it's hard.

14. I'm practicing my Spanish.

15. I'm trying to work out more because although I've mastered the running I'm still not toned.

16. I'm having issues - emotional and personal. Yes I'm going through it.

17. I'm chanting and meditating more.

18. I'm trying to figure out why Amazon insists on listing my book at the wrong price. It's $7.25 NOT $9.25.

19. My garden got a late start and things are now finally growing so I'm tending to that.

20. And frankly I'm just fucking blog LAZY...

So that's it for me Campers enjoy the wine and trees and don't forget to check out my new book "No Love Lost " on Amazon.com for Kindle download. And if you don't have a Kindle here's the link to the "Free Kindle App". Remeber the fires always burning here ar Carlita's Camp - even if it don't seem like because there are other pages to look at and read...

The I Know Some Shit Blog or The Great, The Sad, and The Fugly

2011-11-13T12:55:06Z

Hola Campers!

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my life and all the people who have directly impacted it. And because things are changing rapidly I've decided to take stock of everything I've been through and everyone I know and try to make sense of it all. So for today I've typed up some things that have impacted me or others close to me physically, emotionally, as well as psychologically and decided to put them into 3 categories with your help - the Great, the Sad, and the Fugly.

Okay so here's how it's gonna go, I'll list 25 "I know" scenarios and when you make a comment here on my blog just put the number and simply state if it's "Great" "Sad" or "Fugly." It's that simple.

1. I know a woman who's bathed in the River Draâ which is the longest river in Morocco.

2. I know a woman who was a script coordinator on a porn film.

3. I know a woman who's had to live with a deadly communicable disease for over 20 years and because of it she's never been happy always forced to settle.

4. I know a woman who's eaten eggs fresh from of an organically raised chicken.

5. I know a woman who's cheated death twice.

6. I know a man who hated his mother so much he impregnated a prostitute and a drug dealer. He also married the drug dealer and lost one of his family's most prized heirlooms in the divorce.

7. I know a woman who has 15 stamps on her passport.

8. I know a woman who left her own Down Syndrome child with his dad/her husband to live with a man and raise his kids from another relationship.

9. I know a woman in her early 40's who needs my support but I'd rather just wait for her to figure it out because frankly I have no clue how to help her.

10. I know a man who fell out of love with his wife but who's too selfish to let her go.

11. I know a woman who spent almost every dime of her inheritance remodeling a home that she doesn't even own.

12. I know some men who hated their elderly father so much they refused to take him to the grocery store, or to get his needed medicines, or pay the taxes on his home. And when he died they feigned shocked that they had no claims to his house.

13. I know a woman who was so rowdy she dated a state trooper to bring her street creds down.

14. I know a woman who beat using drugs using only her mind and the lure of a steady paycheck,

15. I know a man who's lived off of women not his mother since he was a teenager.

16. I know a man who claimed his mother abused him by making him attend church 6 days a week.

17. I know a woman who fluently speaks 6 different languages.

18. I know a woman who sings like an angel but too mentally unbalanced to use her gift.

19. I know a woman who never finished high school but graduated college.

20. I know a woman who dated a woman who wanted a baby so she found her a handsome man to breed with.

21. I know a woman who in her haste chose the wrong man and completely regrets it.

22. I know a woman who should be rich because her baked goods (cakes especially) taste better than the Cake Bosses, however she lives in a town where it doesn't matter because most people prefer boxed and store bought baked goods.

23. I know a woman who started a bomb ass Cougar dating website.

24. I know a man who works his ass off 60 hours per week to support his family.

25. I know a woman who will do whatever it takes to achieve happiness.

Alright campers that's it for me this is where you come in... And if you haven't already clicked like on my Facebook page please do so the link is in the middle right side of this blog. Also if you haven't already checked out my book "No Love Lost" on Amazon.com for "Free Kindle Apps"
please support me. And there are a few reviews to help you decide... THANK YOU LADIES - Datrice, Ayala & Regina!!! So until our next camp out, enjoy the wine and trees and remember the fire's always burning here at Carlita's Camp.

If You Can't Stand Cussin' ~ Don't Click the Mutha Fuckin' Link...

2011-11-04T22:39:19Z

**Warning This Blog has LOADS of Cussin' ~ So No Thin Skinned Pussies Allowed**

Hola Campers welcome back! So for today's camp out I wanna talk about my most fave mash-up ~ Me and mutha fuckin' Cussin'...

As you all know because you're a regular reader of my blog (or have at least read some of my blogs) that I am a highly skilled and flagrant user of the most wonderful language in the world ever: Cussin'.

Now mind you, some, more proper people prefer to call it "Cursing," however I find that since I'm not invoking bad shit to happen to fucked up people (well not all the mutha fuckin' time anyway) the word "Cursing" doesn't always fuckin' fit. So for me, "Cussin'" is a far better description of what the fuck I'm actually doing. Because as you all have read time and time again from my tales of debauchery, fun, and even woe, there are many occasions that I have had to cuss a mutha fucka, right the fuck out because he tried to break bad. Or as my sweetie Trend (Hey Sis) would say: "Carlita, you know how to get 'em told..." **Best Compliment EVER**

So anyhoo, as you'll discover in this randy blog ~ I learned my 2nd language from a gaggle of old cussin' pros: every member of my shit family. From my hysterically neurotic (yet funny as a mutha fucka) maternal grandmother Vivian, to my disgustingly vile sperm donor, who each are masters of the language. **Honorable mention goes out to the Mommy Dearest of old, the Chief (the paternal granddaddy RIP), as well as the countless other uncle's, aunt's and cousin's (who shall remain nameless ~ unless you mutha fucka's piss me the fuck off) who ain't or weren't no slouches at gettin' in on a mutha fucka either...

And since cussin' comes so naturally for me because as stated I was born into a mutha fuckin' family of cusser outers who still to this day refer to me, themselves, and everyone else as just that ~ mutha fucka's it's easy for me to spit out a heavily peppered array of words strung together so the sting is more than painful or the conversation is very fun and/or funny.

Ya see as a little girl as far back as I can remember, members of my shit family would flatter a friend ("Shit this food tastes so fucking good"), verbally assault a foe ("I'm so sick of your fucked up shit I should fuck you up"), or insult their prey ("You gotta be the stoopitest son of a bitch to ever walk the face of the mutha fuckin' Earth")alike with a barrage of cuss words that were spewed at will with venomous accuracy.

Thinking back, there didn't seem to be 1 family holiday that passed without the vigor of a cussin' "you" the fuck out fest.

As the queen bee of usage of my family's most beloved phrase, mutha fucka, my grandmother Vivian upon us visiting her home once she heard the doorbell ring, would yell from the back of the house before even reaching the door, "Who is it? Who is it mutha fucka? Who the fuck is it? Goddamn it if you sons of bitches don't mutha fuckin' speak up right the fuck now you not gettin' the fuck in here."

Now I know for some of more docile speaking campers you'd probably be appalled by such brash verbiage, however your counselor always found it quite amusing - funny to say the least.

While on the other hand the sperm donors words weren't quite as amusing, because of his suppressed homosexuality his 4 letter bombs were far from funny, in fact 9 times out of 10 they were just mean. But obviously since this blog has been hatched his attacks have become quite useful in painting an accurate picture of who I am and how I got this way.

Many a day I reminisce (& laugh) with my most fave cousin (Hey Leslie) about the endless verbal attacks/insults that were many times followed by equally brutal physical attacks brought about by the sperm donor when he was in a fucked up mood. Which to be quite frank, that evil mutha fucka is always in a fucked up mood.

So many times I can remember the unwarranted verbal attacks because the siblings and I hadn't put our bikes in the garage ("I swear you the dumbest bunch of lazy ass stupid bitches in the world. Don't you ho's know that niggas like you ain't never gonna go no where in life because you to goddamn simple to follow directions?{As if leaving our bikes in our backyard during dinner was a real life setback}), got up and dressed for our many Saturday extra curricular activities (Don't you triflin' ass niggas know that the early bird catches the mutha fuckin' worm? Get out the beds niggas. Move it! Move it! Move it! Before I fuck you up), or simply because it was Monday (I swear you stupid ho's is so fuckin' dumb, you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the mutha fuckin' top). Yeah I know harsh, however like I said ~ useful...

And as for the honorable mentions ~ well let's just say there is someone in my family who don't slam doors - she slams niggas (I like her though). And no it ain't Mommy Dearest, she was more of a fun name caller. I believe her most fave word of choice was strumpet. (Great word Mommy Dearest I used it in my book. )

So I write this blog to say, when you read my stuff ~ blogs, comments on the social networks, or even in my juicy new book, "No Love Lost" (which trust me is not some 4 letter word filled vulgar fest) keep in mind that I am a product of my environment. And unlike many who would do their damndest to change such a (Bad?) habit, I like it! Shit I LOVE it! Engaging people with my million and 1 useless facts and then peppering the language with as many appropriate placed cuss words always seems to bring me a depraved type of glee, so unless we're doing battle NO OFFENSE they're just words...

And that's it for me right now, so I'm fiddna deuce you mutha fucka's out because I'm on my way here:

So until our next camp out enjoy the wine and trees and remember the fires always burning here at Carlita's Camp! And don't forget to check out my juicy new novel "No Love Lost" on Amazon.com for Kindle download. And if you don't have a Kindle NO WORRIES because there is a free Kindle App for your iPad, computers, or Smartphone. Here's the link: Free Kindle App

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T17:47:14Z

Happy Halloween! I'm trying to kick it with them...

Happy Anniversary Papi, this is for you!!!

Some of the Things I think About When I'm on Weed...

2011-10-26T06:26:57Z

Hola Campers of old and new!!! So OK, with all that's been going on emotionally and physically I hadn't had time to blog. And lately I've really wanted too because I have so many thoughts brewing in my mind. But because I'm in no real mood to be all expressive wordy Carlita I decided to break it all down in a list. Because lists are waaaay easier and because I hadn't given you Campers one in a very long time. So without further ado here's a list of some of the things I think about when I'm on weed and remember these aren't in any specific order....

I wonder what happened to all the crazy chicks I used to know back in the day? Hey Wendy R- where are you?

Seriously? Many women are really into watching organized sports such as football, basketball, and baseball on TV? I understand being at the game, but TV? Seriously?

I wonder how much shit I forget when I'm not on weed?

I wonder what is some of the shit I forgot when I'm not on weed?

What a coinkydink that Tyler Perry's initials "TP" are the same as Toilet Paper considering 99% of his movies are shit...

Does T.M. realize how much love was involved in regards to my actions that evening in the store? I do love you and I'm still waiting!

I always wonder what happened to Felicia W; my high school neighbor who I smoked out with parked in her Mercedes in the parking lot of a high school dance. I wonder does she still laugh when she thinks about how hard we were trippin' before and after some dude knocked on her car door window in the middle of a storm yelling at us that "for over an hour we had been blocking the parking lot exit" and there were no less than 50 cars blocked in behind us even though they were obsessively honking the horn at us trying to get us to move.

Will the majority of Blacks ever come together like the majority of whites? EX: The Tea Party, RepubliKlans, Skin heads or The 4H Club?

Why did they replace soap operas with shit TV doctor and talk shows?

Why do people think that Cancun is a great vacation destination? The weather sucks ass and the food is mediocre at best.

Why do people on Social Networks talk so much shit? OK maybe not all but definitely some. You gotta admit many pussies get Internet balls...

Glad I don't have to go to anymore funerals because I don't like my family.

Does anyone besides me love Pretty Little Liars?

I wonder will anyone buy my book No Love Lost and read it?

Why do so many of our children seem to be drawn to violence lately?

Why does looney Jackie Christie have a 20 year old picture up representing herself on her website?

Is it worth my time to watch the new show "Once Upon a Time" on ABC?

How fucked up is it when you start a bomb ass blog on weed then your high comes down?

I'll tell ya, it's fucked up. Because you know what Campers? That's it for me, I'm done. I am sober so I don't know what the H E double hockey sticks to think about anymore, so with that I'm about to go enjoy some more wine and trees - because I like being able to remember... Plus there's no Marathon so I can drink again, Yay! So until our next camp out remember the fire's always burning here at Carlita's Camp!

And don't forget to check out my new book, "No Love Lost"
on Amazon for your Kindle download... Click the purple title and it'll take you to the preview.

I'm Not Afraid to Die!

2011-10-18T04:25:30Z

Hola Campers! I'm blogging to say thank you to all my friends who've sent me notes wishing me a full recovery. I wish I had better news but as it goes I don't. My condition is the same and you know what? I'm not afraid to die. 10 years ago I was because it was a big deal then, I hadn't done shit. However today I've done more than the above average person. I've traveled the world, been deeply in love, sold some of my writing and published my first and probably my only novel. So PLEASE fear not for me. If this condition is still curable when money comes my way (Never Much) I'll get the needed diagnostic tests and treatments but until then I'll blog about my week and what symptoms have started or persisted or gotten worse. --- Gotta have something interesting to blog about - and my illness is interesting to say the least.

Since my last blog I've had 11 nose bleeds. Fallen down 6 stairs (I'm OK). I fell out the bed and I swear when I was running I almost peed myself. FUCKING DIAPERS AGAIN! FUCK. And the headache is a constant. Anyhoo, I hope you're doing better than me. And don't forget to enjoy the wine and trees because the fires still burning here at Carlita's Camp. Also if you get a chance check out my book No Love Lost at Amazon.com for Kindle download. And hey, all proceeds will go to me for medical testing.

This Isn't Happiness Permeating Through This Blog...

2011-10-15T03:11:40Z

Hola Campers! So what to blog about? Maybe a brief explanation in regards to my long blogging absence. Because I KNOW it appears as if I'm blog lazy but honestly that's not the case. I'm suffering from a wicked case of writers block. And that's due to many factors.

The first being, I was doggedly rewriting my very first novel which I had planned to blog about my experiences and hurdles with writing it, but it seems I can't find the words. ----But you can still purchase "No Love Lost" on Amazon.com for Kindle download...

Second, I've also been working. I was recently commissioned to write a 30 page Ebook for a company.

And thirdly, I just haven't been feeling well. I'm restless, constantly suffering from exhausting headaches, and much like the illness I was cured of 10 and a half years ago I'm suffering from daily nose bleeds. I had planned to run in a Half Marathon but oddly I failed the mandatory physical because the doctor said my reflexes weren't good and my nose bleeding for no reason while getting the physical didn't help. So he then told me to get an MRI. But much like 10 and a half years ago I'm still in no financial position to pay for the diagnostic test. So such is life and this time possibly my death because I'm early 40's Cancun ain't Vegas and money just ain't flowing. So again my strength and fortitude must kick in to hold me over until we can get the funds together to pay for the MRI recommended. I dunno but I'll keep you posted. Anyhoo, with all of this going on I'm just in no mood to write for fun because frankly I'm not having any...

But in the meantime I'll try to blog about my chickens or something just to keep my mind right until we can figure out how to pay for my MRI. So until our next camp out enjoy the wine and trees and remember the fire's always burning here at Carlita's Camp.

Check this out...

2011-10-07T21:06:26Z

Download it today on Amazon.com! And PLEASE ignore the type o in the description. LOL

Also NEW blog MANANA!!!! Enjoy the wine and trees because I finally am!

15 Word Friday!

2011-09-30T15:45:19Z

Get your Kindles ready! Because my new book is up in less than 5 days!

Let Your Voice Be Heard!

2011-09-28T16:03:05Z

Hola Campers I've been away but that's because I've been quite busy putting on the final touches of my new Kindle novel (available early next week) and here's the cover! Now I know it's not the typical Urban Fiction Cover with the sexy people on the cover but remember this is SUBurban Fiction... What do you think?

15 Word Friday!

2011-09-23T18:39:49Z

So they went through with the execution of Troy Davis, what did President Obama say?

And He Too Lives to See Another Day...

2011-09-15T19:52:30Z

And that Campers is just another day of living in the jungle. Come back BIG news next week because although it may not always look like it the fire's always burning here at Carlita's Camp!

Fifteen Word Friday!

2011-09-02T13:44:34Z

I know this Loon and after Monday's Chronic History you will too! Click for Backstory

15 Word Friday

2011-08-27T00:31:44Z

Don't know why critters stalk my house. Don't they know this is the Deathly Hallows?

The CRA Volume 5

2011-08-16T13:31:43Z

Look over at the bar, it’s a damsel, it’s a doxy, no it’s the C.R.A!

Armed with her full trusty flask, her favorite highball, and a 1 of a kind knock off Louis V bag filled with spring water ice, she’s ready; she’s drunk, and pissed the fuck off! That’s right Campers and New People the Crown Royal Avenger and her band of randy sidekicks are back in:

"Fuck You, You Fakebook Fucks! This Shit Calls for a Fucking Double... Fucking Finally Part 2"

We have already seen our 3 chillin’ in the bar downing shot shot shot shot shot shot after shot. We sat at the edge of our seats as the CRA found that buster Rumsnot Mydrinker and was about to get in his mutha fuckin ass because a few weeks back he didn't pay homage to your Super Dope Heroine The Crown Royal Avenger and her clique for saving the mutha fuckin’ day. We also cheered relentlessly as the CRA dropped Visine into her eyes to clear them so she could make sure he was the right buster. We then breathless listened as Amnesia instigated the whole mutha fuckin’ thing. And we were all grossed the fuck out as the CRA peed for what seemed like forever and 40 went outside to take a shit.

But wait! Mutha fuckin’ DRIZAMA, just as our super dope heroine was about to cuss that buster Rumsnot the fuck out, she was thwarted by an immeasurable foe: The mutha fuckin’ orderlies from the “You Will Learn to Say No” drug rehabilitation hospital from over in O’Douls county.

Quickly grabbing The CRA by the arms one of the asshole orderlies says, “Crown Royal Avenger your daze of cussing people out are numbered. You have a serious problem with drugs and alcohol and we've received a number of complaints about your mouth.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, a number of complaints about my mouth? My mutha fuckin’ mouth saves drinks and makes people happy. But you asshole orderlies from that whack ass clinic wouldn't know shit about that because you’re fucking sober.” The CRA blasted back.

“Heee heee heell *hiccup hiccup burp burp fart* mutha fuckin’ YEah itttttt saaaaves *fart fart* liiives!” Amnesia manages to get say as usual slurring burping and farting her way through a sentence. “Llleeeav my hooomeguuurrrllllll alone.”

“Hell no we won’t leave her alone. And if you don’t shut it up we’ll take your drunk ass with her!” The asshole sober orderly bleats at Amnesia.

“Woof *fart fart* Woof.” 40 barks in protest to his homies incarceration.

“Ah ha, Crown Royal Avenger, seems your drunk ass is getting what you deserve. You've tried to make the entire town drunkards just like you, but not anymore. My call was the final straw on your booze topped weed cake.” Assures Rumsnot as the orderlies begin to carry The CRA out of the bar.

“Oh snap mutha fucka, it was you who called these lames? I swear once I get out I’ma find your sober ass and trust me that means your ass. Amnesia and 40 hold my drinks and save me some of that good weed because I’ll be back!” The CRA vows as she’s led outside into the awaiting ambulance.

"Not if we have anything to say about it!" Cries the asshole orderlies.

What the fuck Campers? Is our super dope heroine down and out? Will she return sober and not ready for Happy Hour? Will the evil plan of those assholes over at “You Will Learn to Say No” drug and alcohol rehab win and Rumsnot Mydrinker? Does anyone give a fuck about Savannah anymore? All these questions and more will be answered in the next exciting installment of The Crown Royal Avenger!

Alright Campers that's it for me if you're interested in how this crazy tale end check out Volume 6 under The CRA button! So until out next camp out enjoy the wine and trees, I certainly am!

I Hate it When a Plan Doesn't Come Together...

2011-08-09T17:08:20Z

Hola Campers! This blog is MAD late considering Monday was yesterday and I like to blog on Mondays but it's here and finally ready.

A very lovely woman I've had the extreme pleasure of meeting on Facebook (Heeey Kim T!)posted something on her wall and when I saw it I realized it was soooo fitting for my life. I told her I was taking it personal (and obviously borrowing it) and she told me that she'd pray for me and to basically keep doing what I'm doing. And between you Campers and I she and a few other really nice ladies are the ONLY ones who I'll genuinely accept their prayers (remember those Mormons...LOL) Anyhoo she posted this: "Take off that garment of bitterness.. Put on that coat of forgiveness!" And I SO wanna do it but that sperm donor refuses to fucking stand down.

Like I was saying this blog is late. I had planned - actually I was blogging about the new groups on the social networks that I joined. I was thisclose to comparing and contrasting them to just give you a little insight about how some black minds work (some very well I must say). But alas, that was not to be. Because Monday morning before I got started I checked my email and DAMMIT wouldn't you know Mommie Dearest's ex husband and thus my sperm donor wrote me cussing about me outing his homosexuality? Telling me if he wanted strangers and his family (some of them read me apparently - hey cousins!) to know that he was gay he would just come out and he didn't need me to tell his story. Now mind you I didn't write that he was gay because it's his story and I was tattletelling. I wrote about it because his closeted homosexuality has negatively affected me, thus making it a huge part of my story.

Ya see growing up living in a house where women were so hated and abused physically emotionally and verbally was very hard on me as well as my sis Dandiella and Mommie Dearest. I mean really how is a 7 or 11 year old or your faithful wife a ho? Why we gotta be stupid bitches? Why the fuck did he punch me when I caught him and his (come to find out) lover Peter when I mistakenly walked in on them half naked in the basement after a supposed "fishing" trip? I swear when I saw Brokeback Mountain I had such a fucking flashback. But I digress, the title of this blog is: I Hate it When a Plan Doesn't Come Together and my plan was to blog about ME and my experience on the net. But instead I've spent the past day and now half being pissed about him writing to me like I really give a fuck if he wants to remain angry and closeted. I swear Kim's posting isn't working but like I told her I'm trying but as of right now I'm failing miserably so with that I'mma stop this blog because airing my family's disgustingly dirty laundry is a bad blog and Campers you know I love to bring the good. So for all of my Buddhist Christian Jewish & Muslim friends PRAY for your counselor and for the rest who simply believe in justice for all, do whatever it you do - shit send me some luck because I truly need to shed this garment of bitterness and put on a lovely coat of forgiveness. But how?

Alright blah blah enjoy the wine and trees (I wish I had some trees) and I'll see you next week when things are normal again. But hey, check out the ALL NEW and completely improved Crown Royal Avenger! - Under The CRA tab... And just ignore Volume 6 or preview it, because Godaddy doesn't know why the formatting keeps changing so I was forced to prematurely publish, but believe me after I finish my paid gig Volume 6 will be complete.